The Unofficial Hobbit Handbook Read online

  Unarmed Tactics

  Due to their small size, hobbits have to get creative when it comes to self-defense. When attacked by large enemies, they are forced to take advantage of whatever vulnerable areas are within reach. This includes knees, toes, ankles, shins, and the groin. Humans might consider the striking of some of these areas to be “fighting dirty,” however, when one is in a self-defense situation it is important to make use of any target of opportunity. A swift kick to the shin or a sharp punch to the groin may save your life. If, unlike hobbits, you have the advantage of height, other good targets include the eyes and the throat.

  Kicking

  Kicks are great self-defense techniques for hobbits, as hobbits possess incredibly tough feet. But even if you don’t have hobbit feet, a well-placed kick can save your life. There are various kicks you can employ that will work against an attacker of any size.

  STOMP KICK: This kick is delivered with either a downward motion (which is great for stomping on an enemy’s foot) or by raising your knee high and pushing your foot forward into an attacker’s midsection. This kick can be delivered with great force and makes it an excellent choice for stopping an attacker.

  FRONT KICK: Similar to the second variety of stomp kick, but instead of a pushing motion, the kick is delivered more quickly and sharply. Pull your toes back and use the ball of your foot as the striking surface. This kick can be very effective for targeting a shin, the groin, or the abdomen.

  SIDEKICK: This kick is delivered by pivoting on your standing foot and shooting your leg out sideways toward your attacker. Extend your heel forward as you kick. A well-placed sidekick can cause severe damage to an attacker’s knee.

  ROUND HOUSE: Lift your knee and then swing your leg across your body like a club or a baseball bat. You can strike using your foot or your shin, depending on your attacker’s distance. This is the fastest kick to execute, so it’s a good choice for quick deployment.

  BACK KICK: Do this kick correctly and you’ll be able to kick your enemy like a mule. Perfect for an attacker that sneaks up behind you, a back kick is executed by looking over one’s shoulder and kicking straight back with the heel of the foot extended. Aim for a larger part of the body, such as the midsection, as this kick is a bit more difficult to perform with great accuracy.

  Hand Techniques

  Punches and other strikes with the hand aren’t quite as effective for hobbits, given their small size. But, no matter your size, it’s good to know a few techniques in case a target of opportunity presents itself.

  PUNCH: A punch is delivered with a closed fist. Make sure your fingers are curled tightly with your thumb on the outside. As you punch, extend through the shoulder to get the best reach and deliver the most force. If you’re short like a hobbit, aim for the groin. If you’re taller, aim for the face or throat. And a gut shot works no matter how tall you are.

  PALM STRIKE: Similar to a punch, the palm strike is delivered with open fingers and the heel of the hand. Remember to keep your thumb tucked in so it doesn’t snag on clothing (or armor).

  CHOP: A strike delivered with the edge of the hand in a downward motion. Hobbits have the opportunity to use this when an attacker picks them up (which, come to think of it, happens a lot). A good target for the chop is the neck.

  EYE GOUGE: Also a good technique to employ when an enemy picks you up. Just stick your finger or thumb right in his eye and he’ll set you down straightaway.

  The Element of Surprise

  Using the element of surprise in battle can be very effective. Catching an enemy off guard can provide a few extra seconds, which may be just the amount of time you need in order to escape (or launch an attack). The element of surprise worked in Bilbo’s favor when he was fleeing the goblin’s cave. Suddenly he found himself face-to-face with a group of goblins, but he quickly slipped the ring of invisibility onto his finger, rushed passed them, and squeezed through a small crack in the door and into the sunlight. The goblins saw his shadow, but they were so startled they didn’t have much chance to give chase. Bilbo got away with a loss of only a few buttons from his jacket.

  Weapons

  Hobbits don’t typically use weapons; when they do, they normally use a gardening implement or a broom (which can be quite effective for smacking an enemy over the head or at the knees). When occasions demand it, however, hobbits have been known to take up arms. Both Bilbo and Frodo carried an elvish blade they called Sting. While actually a dagger, Sting was the perfect size for a hobbit to use as a sword. This is a great example to keep in mind when choosing a weapon; you want to arm yourself with a weapon appropriate to your size. You want something you can wield effectively. If you’re small in build, for example, don’t run out and buy a .44 magnum for home defense. (Actually, no one should have a .44 magnum for home defense, no matter their size.)

  Swords

  Swords in the works of Tolkien are more than just weapons. They often have a significance beyond just being a blade. Bilbo’s sword Sting (later passed to Frodo), along with other elvish swords, would glow blue in the presence of goblins or orcs. Many of the swords of Middle-earth had names such as Orcrist (the Goblin-cleaver) and Glamdring (the Foe-hammer).

  Swords aren’t often used today. When they are, they likely have a more symbolic meaning similar to the meaning these special blades had in Tolkien’s works. For example, consider the significance of the calvary swords awarded to United States Marines. These blades are more a symbol of honor than a weapon meant to be used practically in battle.

  Axes

  The battle-axe is a weapon often used by dwarves in Tolkien’s works. This heavy weapon isn’t much use to a small hobbit, but for someone large enough to wield one, a battle-axe can make quite an impression on your enemy—oh wait, make that two half-enemies.

  Makeshift Weapons

  Almost anything can be used as a weapon in a time of need. A simple stick, for example, can be used as a staff—and while it likely won’t be capable of magic like Gandalf’s staff, it will still be quite good for knocking an enemy on the head.

  Long Distance Weapons

  Keeping your distance from your enemy is always a good idea when possible. Bilbo threw rocks at the spiders that had captured his friends. Rocks can be great weapons for striking an opponent from a distance or for causing a diversion that can let you employ a secondary attack or escape.

  Elves are fond of using bows and arrows. This is an excellent long-distance weapon—just consider the sheer number of orcs laid to waste by Legolas in The Lord of the Rings.

  Other long-distance weapons include spears, which can be thrown (not often very accurately), crossbows (not as easy to reload as a bow and arrow but more powerful), and catapults (which are rarely something one would have in a self-defense scenario and effective only when you are stationary—good for an initial barrage, but after that, you will need to find something else).

  Mercy

  Of course, with all of this talk about tactics, let’s return to the fact that hobbits abhore violence. Whenever there is an alternative to combat, they will almost always choose a nonviolent course of action. In the heat of battle one should try to remember one’s morals and exercise good judgment and mercy. Remember to only use violence when necessary or called for, especially when you have the upper hand. For example, when Bilbo was trapped in the goblin cave with the creature Gollum, he was armed with his sword and wearing the Ring of Power, which made him invisible. It would have been easy for Bilbo to kill Gollum then and there. But instead, Bilbo pitied the creature and simply sneaked past him to escape. Ask yourself: What would you have done?

  A Hobbit’s Guide to Monsters

  With all this talk of self-defense—running, hiding, fighting back, and the like—you may be asking yourself, “Yes, this is all well and good, but should I know more specifically about these trolls, orcs, wolves, and other assorted beasties? And should special considerations be taken in the event of encountering certain nasty creatures?”

  In
a word, yes. Here are some descriptions of the various monstrosities you may run into in Middle-earth, and advice on what to do when dealing with them.

  Spiders (and Assorted Bugs)

  Almost every creature is scarier if it’s larger. If we hear a scratching at the door, open it, and find a ten-foot-tall cockroach, we scream. The next time we open the door (assuming we’re still around to do so) and find a hundred-foot-tall cockroach, we scream even louder. Scale has a lot to do with the power to frighten, especially when what we’re meeting is something that in ordinary life isn’t much bigger than a quarter (or possibly a half-dollar).

  Bilbo and Frodo run into various spiders as they adventure their way through Middle-earth, ranging from the large to the small.

  Small Bugs and Spiders

  When, under the prodding of the dwarves in the middle of Mirkwood, Bilbo climbs a tree to see if he can find out how much farther the party has to go, he worries all the way up about what he’ll do if he encounters large spiders. Fortunately, the ones he meets prove to be only the ordinary size, and he ignores them. He also meets large black velvet butterflies, which only flap about his head. He safely discounts them. Even at night, when the dwarves’ campfire brings moths “as big as your hand,” Bilbo is more irritated than frightened. The rule of thumb, then, is that as long as insects are the normal size, you can squish them without problem.

  Sleeping in the open, you’ll probably encounter this issue more often than you’d like. Bugs like the warmth the human body provides, and they’re quite likely to cluster around you in your sleep, seeking out especially your hair (including whatever hair you have on your feet) and crevices in your clothing. Rise several times during the night and shake yourself thoroughly to rid yourself of the pests. If you come to a place of shelter such as Rivendell or an inn, a hot bath and thorough soaping is recommended, including carefully washing your hair and rinsing it to delouse yourself.

  Keep in mind that spiders of the small variety are generally useful, at least in gardens. They eat garden pests and keep plants free from disease. Giant spiders don’t work on the same principle, but there’s no reason to take out your frustration about large spiders on their normal-sized relatives.

  Larger Spiders

  The giant spiders of Mirkwood are thoroughly nasty and apt to eat anything that falls into their webs. They take their time about it, preferring to let their meat hang a bit (head downward, if possible) in order to properly age it. To avoid them, take the following steps:

  STAY ON THE FREAKING PATH! It’s protected by magic, you’ve been told it’s protected by magic, and you’ve seen abundant evidence that the wood is filled with all sorts of other nasty creatures that don’t attack you as long as you stay on the path. So stay on the path and don’t stray! What’s the matter with you, anyway?

  FIRE CAN BE YOUR FRIEND. It’s true that it attracts all sorts of eyes, including “bulbous insect eyes,” but it also scares spiders (and quite possibly other creatures). Keep a fire going at night, and keep a close watch so it doesn’t go out.

  HAVE PLENTY OF STONES HANDY. A well-thrown stone can take out a spider, knocking it unconscious or even dead.

  IN THE EVENT OF A SPIDER ATTACK, STAY TOGETHER, THROW STONES, AND USE YOUR SWORDS TO CUT THROUGH THE WEBS AS THEY’RE STRUNG AROUND YOU. Mobility is your greatest advantage, so try to move back to the path, where its magic will protect you. What’s that? You don’t have swords? Then you shouldn’t be adventuring in the first place!

  SPIDERS ARE HIGHLY TERRITORIAL AND WON’T WILLINGLY VENTURE OUT OF PLACES THEY CONTROL. They also don’t like elf magic, since the elves of Mirkwood are constantly killing them and otherwise annoying them. So if you know of a place in Mirkwood where elves have been recently, head for it. The spiders are unlikely to follow you there.

  PRACTICE YOUR NAME CALLING. For some reason, spiders seem more sensitive to this than most other creatures. (There is no recorded instance of orcs being upset by hobbits or anyone else calling them “ugly, stinky, big-headed, long-armed, foul-bodied booger faces.”) If you can throw off attacking spiders by yelling names at them, you’ve got a strategic advantage you can play to the hilt. Use Bilbo’s song for inspiration:

  Bilbo, however, soon slipped away to a different place. The idea came to him to lead the furious spiders further and further away from the dwarves, if he could; to make them curious, excited and angry all at once. When about fifty had gone off to the place where he had stood before, he threw some more stones at these, and at others that had stopped behind; then dancing among the trees he began to sing a song to infuriate them and bring them all after him, and also to let the dwarves hear his voice.

  This is what he sang:

  Old fat spider spinning in a tree!

  Old fat spider can’t see me!

  Attercop! Attercop!

  Won’t you stop,

  Stop your spinning and look for me?

  Old Tomnoddy, all big body,

  Old Tomnoddy, can’t spy me!

  Attercop! Attercop!

  Down you drop!

  You’ll never catch me up your tree! (The Hobbit, chapter 8)

  Giant Spiders

  To be honest, there’s really only one completely giant spider in Middle-earth, and that’s Shelob, who inhabits the pass near Cirith Ungol in the Mountains of Shadow on the borders of Mordor. There are stories of others, starting with the great spider Ungoliant, but you’re not likely to encounter them. You’re not all that likely to encounter Shelob either, if you stay away from Mordor, which would be a good idea. If, however, you run into her, remember the following:

  SHE’S NOT AS STRONG AS SHE USED TO BE. She lost one eye in an encounter with Samwise Gamgee, and her legs are scarred, so she can’t move quite as quickly as formerly. Stay on her blind side, and slash at her legs. If possible, take out the other eye.

  HER UNDERBELLY IS ANOTHER WEAK SPOT. She’s been stabbed there once before; bonus points to you if you can cut her there again.

  IF, IN RUNNING THROUGH HER TUNNELS, YOU ENCOUNTER VICTIMS WHOM SHE’S COVERED IN WEBS AND HUNG FOR LATER MEALS, KEEP MOVING. It’s very unlikely you’ll be able to cut them free in time to escape, and even if you did, they’ve been poisoned, so you’ll wind up carrying them, which will only slow you down. Just keep moving. Think of yourself. This is no time for bravery.

  SHELOB (AND MOST LARGE SPIDERS) IS HIGHLY SENSITIVE TO SUDDEN, BRIGHT LIGHT. Bring along a strong light source, say, a magical light given to you by the elves, one that you’ve forgotten about until the absolute last minute of fighting with Shelob—and you can intimidate her and make her back off long enough to escape.

  REMEMBER THAT SHELOB IS NEUTRAL TO ANY CONFLICT BETWEEN YOU AND ASSORTED ORCS YOU MAY HAVE RUN INTO. If a party of orcs is chasing you, leading them into Shelob’s lair may be a strategically useful move. At least you can count on her to take out four or five of them (assuming, of course, that you can escape her clutches first).

  Wolves

  Wolves are nasty because they can run faster than you, are probably stronger than you, and hunt in packs, therefore outnumbering you. You have the advantage of reason and intelligence, but that’s a small comfort when you’re stuck on a lonely hillside in the middle of the night, listening to the howls of hungry wolves.

  Ordinary Wolves

  Normal, everyday wolves aren’t so bad. Even though they’re often hungry, they tend not to attack people, and if they do, they can be easily intimidated by fire, arrows, and a few beheadings via dwarvish axes. In fact, it’s possible to capture wolf cubs and train them to be useful. Nonetheless, meeting a pack of wolves in the Wild, the sensible adventurer should seek the high ground and find something to throw to the wolves to satisfy their hunger: spare food, the superfluous hobbit….

  Fire Is Your Friend

  Wolves don’t like fire; its sparks burn them and can even set them ablaze. Also, they don’t like light. If you find yourself on a hill top with old trees, try setting them on fire. For spectacular effec
ts, set them on fire with a big blast of magic. If the wolves are ordinary wolves—and you certainly hope they are—they’ll run away with their tails between their legs.

  Wargs

  Wargs are wolves that owe a special allegiance to Mordor and its Dark Lord. They often ally with goblins or orcs, and they’ve been known to hunt with their allies. Although they’re generally found on the west side of the Anduin, in times of crisis they cross the river.

  Wargs are large (usually the size of small horses), heavy, and have long teeth, used to rip and tear their victims’ flesh. Their fur is coarse and resistant to sword blows and axe strokes. They can be killed with arrows from a distance, but their speed makes them difficult targets. The orcs who ride them can make them a double threat.

  The best course, when you see a group of orc-ridden wargs racing down the hillside toward you, is to make a stand. If you have mounted people in your party, you may decide to stage a charge to break the wargs’ momentum. In hand-to-hand combat, aim for the throats and legs, which are the most vulnerable parts. Try to avoid having a warg fall on top of you—they’re heavy, especially in death.

  Wargs don’t like fire (see above), and if you have a wizard in the party (always an excellent idea), he may be able to kindle some magic flames to set them ablaze. Pine cones make good missiles in this sort of defense.